Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
