i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
