How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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