i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
