We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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