i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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