my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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