There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
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