Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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