You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
