Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
