So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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