mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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