Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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