I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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