Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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