I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
