Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
