I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
