What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
