New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
