Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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