I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
