she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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