community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
