You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
