Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
