U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
