i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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