I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Randomize