Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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