I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
