Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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