Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize