I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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