Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
