The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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