So drunk its hurt
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
where are you?
Hypothermia
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
