insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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