I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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