I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
