Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
he puts the penis in happiness.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
