Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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