I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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