You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
