: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
