I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
This is classic penis vs brain.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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