I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize