I never want to see another naked old woman again.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Just pee around me
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
