he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
