she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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