I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
