Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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