she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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