Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
