Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
