this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
