Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Randomize
