I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
