i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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