fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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