Betty ford says i'm here all night
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
zippers are such a cool invention
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
