The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
