im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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