wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
